2010-06-01 『ファミリー・シークレット』を読む。
_ 仕事に追われていて好きな小説を読む時間がもてず，このところ欲求不満。忙中に閑あり，とばかりに間隙を縫うようにして柳美里の『ファミリー・シークレット』を読む。
本を読む時間のない忙しいときに限って本を買う。これはむかしから変わらないわたしの習性のようなもの。買うことによって欲求不満の一部を解消しているのかもしれない。だから，読んでない本がつぎつぎにたまっていく。その未読本の山のなかから，なんの根拠もなく手が伸びたのが柳美里の『ファミリー・シークレット』だった。が，まぎれもなくいい本だった。読み終えて大満足。
テーマは「幼児虐待」。柳美里自身が１０歳になる息子にいらだち，いつのまにかけたたましい母子の葛藤がつづく。母親である作家は息子が「嘘をつく」といって叱る。叱れば叱るほど「嘘」はエスカレートしていく。ついには「子どもなんていなければいい」と本気で考えはじめてしまう。
とうとう思い余って作家は心理療法士を尋ね，診断を受けることになる。その診断の経過を軸にして，作家と息子の関係，作家と父親との関係が浮き彫りになっていく。作家もまた幼児のころに父親から「虐待」を受けたことがトラウマとなっていて，その反動が息子に向かっていく。自分が受けた「虐待」を，こんどは「無意識」のうちに息子をターゲットにして「反復」してしまう，その恐ろしさを作家は小説という形式のなかで展開する。自分でもまったく気づかない「二重人格」を演じていることになる。最近のことばでいえば，「解離性自己同一性障害」（Dissociative Identity Disorder = DID)によく似た現象ということになろうか（書きながら，少し違うなぁ，と思いつつ）。
診断を受ける前にまず二つの約束を守るよう指示される。ひとつは，自分の命を無駄にしないこと，もうひとつは，他人の命を犠牲にしないこと。その前提で，心理療法士は全部で５回の面談を行う。最後には，作家の父親をまじえた三者面談も行う。
そのなかのひとつ，わたしにとって強烈なインパクトとなって印象に残った話を紹介しておこう。それは「虐待」に対する「記憶」の問題である。
作家は６歳のころに，自分の犯した過失を謝らないという理由で，父親に丸裸にされて車で山中に運ばれ，置き去りにされたという。しかも，真冬に。そのあと，どのようにして家にもどったかは記憶がない，と。このことについて作家は，別居して長い間，会ったことのない父親に直接，問いかける。父親の答えは意外である。たしかにそのようなことはあった。しかし，丸裸ではない。パジャマを着ていた。置き去りにしてきたが，すぐに引き返して車に乗せて帰ってきた，という。それでもお前は謝らなかった，と。
人間の「記憶」というものは，かくも違うのである。心理療法士は，その間に入って，調整を行う。記憶というものは，自分の記憶の引き出しから何回も出し入れしているうちに，自分のつごうのいいように編集されていくものだ。別の言い方をすれば，自分を正当化するために少しずつ歪曲されていく。そして，自分なりに納得のいくかたちで定着する。それが自分の生活体験の「記憶」というものの性格なのだ，と。だから，作家の記憶も父親の記憶も，事実からはおのずから遠ざかってしまうのだ，と。だから，どちらが「正しい」ということはありえない，と。
しかしながら，人間は，自分の「記憶」が「正しい」と信じて生きるしか方法がないのだ。このようにして幼児からの生活体験の「記憶」を蓄積し，合理化することによって，次第に自己の「アイデンティティ」を形成していく。そこでできあがる「アイデンティティ」とはなにか。これが，この小説の山場のひとつだ。わたしには，ここが一番，強烈だった。
作家がここに提起したのは，アイデンティティに対する根源的な問いである。いかにも現前／厳然として存在しているかのようにおもわれている「アイデンティティ」の根拠はあいまいなのである。柳美里には，作家としての知的な作業に集中する顔と，その緊張をどこかで解放する顔と，そして息子の「嘘」にいらだち「虐待」にまで向かってしまう顔の，少なくとも三つの顔がある。それはわれわれとて同じだ。場合によっては，もっと多くの顔を使い分けて，現実の生活をかろうじてクリアしているにすぎない。わたしにはいったいいくつの顔があるのだろう，と読後にしばらく考えてしまった。
だからこそ・・・と橋本さんの「指紋」の研究の意味が，ふたたび蘇ってくる。つまり，個人を特定しなくてはならない社会（近代社会のきわだった特徴のひとつ）とはいったいなんなのか。しかも，その個人を特定するための「科学的な方法」がつぎつぎに開発されていく。しかし，同時に，個人を特定することの「困難さ」もまた科学の力によって明らかになってくる。
自己同一性とはなにか。こうして「わたくし探し」はますます迷宮に入っていく。これはヨーロッパ近代が生み出した「個人」を中心にした考え方の到達点のひとつだ。それを「キリスト教的」と呼ぶことも可能だろう。なぜなら，仏教的な考え方では，個を「無化」するヴェクトルが修行のひとつの眼目となるからだ。言ってしまえば，「わたし」という呪縛から解き放たれること，あるいは，「わたし」というものはあるようであってない，ないようであってある，そういう存在なのだ，と。すなわち，「色即是空」「空即是色」というわけである。
そういえば，作家の柳美里さんは，キリスト教の教会に行って「祈る人」であったと記憶する。キリスト教信仰への「信」の置きかたがどの程度のものであるかは，確認できてはいないが・・・・。
いずれにしても，考えることの多い作品で，わたしとしては大満足。
2週間ほど前だと思うのですが、朝日新聞の悩み相談の欄に、女子高生から以下の趣旨の相談がありました。いわく「父親が嫌いだ。休みの日も家族を顧みない。母親も離婚したがっている。話もしたくない。高校卒業したら父から離れて母親と生活したい。」というような感じだったように記憶しています。それに回答したのが誰だったか記憶にないのですが、確か作家だったような気がしますが、以下のように答えていました。<br>「あなたは母親の記憶の中の父親しか見ていません。自分の目で父親を見ていますか。父親が仕事で家にいない間、小さいときから母親から父親への愚痴を聞かされてきたのでしょう。だから母の言うとおり父親が嫌いになったし、もう話もしたくない。と思うようになった。一度自分で父親を見てみなさい」<br>記憶は、自分自身の経験なのか、造られたものなのか、ということでは共通しているかと思います。<br>私自身は困ったことに記憶をなくす時間があるのですが、その際の自分については記憶がないので、自分ではないと思いますが、他人から見れば「私」には変わりがない。そんな空白な「私」がいることに気がついたときには大変不安になります。多分、痴ほう症、といわれる人たちは、日々この「不安」と戦っているのでしょう。
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