2009-12-01 ５日間の旅から帰る。
_ １１月２７日に出発して，今日（１２月１日）旅からもどった。旅は日常とはまったく別の時間が流れ，異質の刺激がいっぱい。しかし，くたくたに疲れた。
２７日は名古屋の某女子大学から講義の依頼があり，いそいそとでかけた。が，いきなり新横浜でとんでもない大失態をやらかしてしまった。新横浜には予定の時刻よりも３０分も早く到着。駅のプラットフォームでおむすび（権兵衛）を食べ，つづいて講義のネタ本を夢中になって読んでいた。ひっきりなしに新幹線がやってきてつぎつぎに発車していく。ふと気づいて前をみたら，予定の列車が到着している。あわてて，飛び乗った。座席に坐ってすぐにネタ本のつづきを読み始める。沼津で，となりの席に人がやってきて，大きな荷物を網棚に乗せた。つられてその荷物をみていた。そのとき，ハッと気づく。わたしのトランクはどこにあるのか？と。網棚にもない。足元にもない。あれっ？ どこに置いたのだろうか，と考える。突然，ぞっとする。新横浜のプラットフォームに置き去りにしてきてしまったことにようやく気づく。すぐに車掌さんを探して，ことの次第を伝える。すぐに連絡をとってみます，とのこと。ほどなく，車掌さんがやってきて，それらしきトランクが見つかりました。これから引き返して引き取りに行きますか？という。いまから引き返してトランクを受け取りにもどったのでは，講義の時間に間に合わない。仕方がないので，後日，受け取ることにして，名古屋の女子大に向かう。困ったことに，講義用のノートがトランクの中にある。一番大事なノートがない。レジュメはメールで送信してあるが，このレジュメは講義にはほとんど役に立たない代物である。気持ちばかりが焦って，講義用のノートの内容が思い出せない。頭が真っ白になったまま女子大に到着。ほどなく，講義ははじまる。
しかも，いつもの研究会のメンバーも坐って楽しみにして待っていてくれる。おまけに，女子大の哲学の先生も坐っていらっしゃる。もう，完全にパニックに陥ってしまっている。なんとか気持ちを静めて，どこか話の糸口をみつけようと懸命に努力するが，一向にいつものような調子がでてこない。冷や汗たらたらの時間がずーっとつづく。ついには，行く先不明になって，座礁に乗り上げてしまう。フロアの先生から助言をもらいながら，なんとか話をつなげようと必死になるも無駄。やみくもに思いつくことを断片的に話すも，つぎにつながらない。ほんとうに困り果ててしまった。こんなこともあるのか・・・と自分で自分が嫌になってしまう。というよりも情けなくなってしまう。
それでもなんとか展望がみえてきたときには，すでに時間切れ。わたしとしては，本邦初公開となる講義内容に挑戦をして，みずからの殻を打ち破って，新しい革袋に新しい酒を注ぎ込もうと意欲満々だったのに・・・・。それが果たせなかった。それどころか講義としては大失敗である。なんとお侘びをしたらいいのか，わけのわからないお侘びをして，この講義を終えた。後味が悪いことかぎりなし。このまま，どこかに姿を消してしまいたい。学生さんはもとより，折角，遠くから聞きにきてくれた研究者仲間，そして，哲学の先生，ひたすら頭を下げるしかない。が，もう取り返しがつかない。
こうなったら，お侘びの印に，予定していた講義内容を文章化して，わたしの「レポート」として提出するしかない。失敗転じて福となすべく，最後の手段を打つしかない。書かなくてはならない原稿は他に山ほどあるというのに・・・。でも，そんなことは言ってはいられない。やるべきことをやって，トンネルから抜け出さないことには気持ちが収まらない。
これが，この長い旅の初日のできごとであった。
その翌日から学会があり（２８・２９日），学生時代の寮の同期会（ことしはわたしが幹事）が一泊二日の温泉旅行。そして，５日目の今日（１日），帰宅。この間のことは，また，いつか折をみて書いてみたいと思うことがたくさんある。それだけ密度の濃い時間を過ごしてきたので，新たに考えなくてはならないこともたくさんあった。その意味では旅はいいものだ。しかし，それにしても初日の大失態は痛手だった。しかも，この傷は深い。立ち直るにはしばらくの時間が必要だ。そのためにも早く「レポート」を書き上げなくてはいけない。
それいけ，ワッショイ，である。わたしのところに，はたして，救いの神さまはやってくるだろうか。
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