2009-12-01 5日間の旅から帰る。
_ 11月27日に出発して,今日(12月1日)旅からもどった。旅は日常とはまったく別の時間が流れ,異質の刺激がいっぱい。しかし,くたくたに疲れた。
27日は名古屋の某女子大学から講義の依頼があり,いそいそとでかけた。が,いきなり新横浜でとんでもない大失態をやらかしてしまった。新横浜には予定の時刻よりも30分も早く到着。駅のプラットフォームでおむすび(権兵衛)を食べ,つづいて講義のネタ本を夢中になって読んでいた。ひっきりなしに新幹線がやってきてつぎつぎに発車していく。ふと気づいて前をみたら,予定の列車が到着している。あわてて,飛び乗った。座席に坐ってすぐにネタ本のつづきを読み始める。沼津で,となりの席に人がやってきて,大きな荷物を網棚に乗せた。つられてその荷物をみていた。そのとき,ハッと気づく。わたしのトランクはどこにあるのか?と。網棚にもない。足元にもない。あれっ? どこに置いたのだろうか,と考える。突然,ぞっとする。新横浜のプラットフォームに置き去りにしてきてしまったことにようやく気づく。すぐに車掌さんを探して,ことの次第を伝える。すぐに連絡をとってみます,とのこと。ほどなく,車掌さんがやってきて,それらしきトランクが見つかりました。これから引き返して引き取りに行きますか?という。いまから引き返してトランクを受け取りにもどったのでは,講義の時間に間に合わない。仕方がないので,後日,受け取ることにして,名古屋の女子大に向かう。困ったことに,講義用のノートがトランクの中にある。一番大事なノートがない。レジュメはメールで送信してあるが,このレジュメは講義にはほとんど役に立たない代物である。気持ちばかりが焦って,講義用のノートの内容が思い出せない。頭が真っ白になったまま女子大に到着。ほどなく,講義ははじまる。
しかも,いつもの研究会のメンバーも坐って楽しみにして待っていてくれる。おまけに,女子大の哲学の先生も坐っていらっしゃる。もう,完全にパニックに陥ってしまっている。なんとか気持ちを静めて,どこか話の糸口をみつけようと懸命に努力するが,一向にいつものような調子がでてこない。冷や汗たらたらの時間がずーっとつづく。ついには,行く先不明になって,座礁に乗り上げてしまう。フロアの先生から助言をもらいながら,なんとか話をつなげようと必死になるも無駄。やみくもに思いつくことを断片的に話すも,つぎにつながらない。ほんとうに困り果ててしまった。こんなこともあるのか・・・と自分で自分が嫌になってしまう。というよりも情けなくなってしまう。
それでもなんとか展望がみえてきたときには,すでに時間切れ。わたしとしては,本邦初公開となる講義内容に挑戦をして,みずからの殻を打ち破って,新しい革袋に新しい酒を注ぎ込もうと意欲満々だったのに・・・・。それが果たせなかった。それどころか講義としては大失敗である。なんとお侘びをしたらいいのか,わけのわからないお侘びをして,この講義を終えた。後味が悪いことかぎりなし。このまま,どこかに姿を消してしまいたい。学生さんはもとより,折角,遠くから聞きにきてくれた研究者仲間,そして,哲学の先生,ひたすら頭を下げるしかない。が,もう取り返しがつかない。
こうなったら,お侘びの印に,予定していた講義内容を文章化して,わたしの「レポート」として提出するしかない。失敗転じて福となすべく,最後の手段を打つしかない。書かなくてはならない原稿は他に山ほどあるというのに・・・。でも,そんなことは言ってはいられない。やるべきことをやって,トンネルから抜け出さないことには気持ちが収まらない。
これが,この長い旅の初日のできごとであった。
その翌日から学会があり(28・29日),学生時代の寮の同期会(ことしはわたしが幹事)が一泊二日の温泉旅行。そして,5日目の今日(1日),帰宅。この間のことは,また,いつか折をみて書いてみたいと思うことがたくさんある。それだけ密度の濃い時間を過ごしてきたので,新たに考えなくてはならないこともたくさんあった。その意味では旅はいいものだ。しかし,それにしても初日の大失態は痛手だった。しかも,この傷は深い。立ち直るにはしばらくの時間が必要だ。そのためにも早く「レポート」を書き上げなくてはいけない。
それいけ,ワッショイ,である。わたしのところに,はたして,救いの神さまはやってくるだろうか。
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