2008-11-02 岸野雄三先生に叱られる。
_ ふだんはあまり夢をみない。というか,記憶に残るような夢はみない。だが,久しぶりに鮮明にたどり直すことのできる夢をみた。それも,だれよりも大事な恩師・岸野雄三先生に叱られた夢である。
学会かなにかで大勢の研究者仲間とわいわいやっているところに,「岸野先生がお呼びです」という伝言があり,岸野先生のお部屋(和室の部屋だった)にうかがった。いきなり「君には失望したよ。顔を前に出しなさい。一発だけ,頬を張る」と言われたので,なにがなんだかわからないけれども,なにか先生の逆鱗にふれることをしてしまったのだろうと思い,顔を前に出す。怖い目つきからして,これは相当にはげしくぶたれる,と覚悟。そうしたら,思いっきり高く振り上げた手が,そろりとゆっくり降りてきて,2本の指(人指し指と中指)で,わたしの頬を押さえただけだった。
そして,にこりと笑って,「なぜ,君は逃げないんだ?」と聞かれる。わたしは「逃げる理由はありません。なにがなんだかわけもわからず身を投げ出しています」と答える。「君はほんとうに,なにも心当たりがないんだね」と先生。「まったくわけがわかりません」とわたし。「どうやら,わたしの勘違いだったらしい。悪かった」と先生。「なにか,わたしのことであったのでしょうか」とわたし。「いや,いいんだ。なにもないのであれば・・・」と先生。「なにかあったのであれば,ぜひ,教えてください」とわたし。
「じゃあ,言うけど,気を悪くしないでほしい」と先生。
ここから意外な話が展開していく。しかも,その話をいまも鮮明に思い出すことができる,というのが不思議。
話の大筋は以下のとおりである。
岸野先生の仰るには,「君のことについて,最近,よくない話ばかり聞く。君には大勢の人を束ねて,研究者としての道を切り開きながら導いて行ってほしい,と期待していた。しかし,最近になってよくない噂ばかりが流れてくる。これは困ったものだ。一度,きちんと話をする必要がある,と考えた。ところが,君の顔を直接みてみたら,ケロリとしている。なにも作為的なことはないようだ,と気づいた。だから,顔を張り倒そうと思ったけれども,途中で萎えてしまった。」と。「その,よくない噂って,どんな噂ですか?」とわたし。
「うん。どうでもいい噂は聞き流しておくけれども,ちょっとだけ気になっていることがあるので,そこだけ聞きたい。君は最近,むつかしいことばかり言って,人を困らせているようだ。みんなは,君がなにを考えているのかわからない,ということに不安や不信感をいだいている。このことは承知してやっていることなの?」「はい。わたしも70歳をすぎましたので,いまさら,人を説得しようとは考えていません。でも,70歳にしてようやく見えてきた世界のことは文章にして書き残しておきたい,と思っています。わたしの到達点を記録しておきたい,と。ですから,いまは,だれもわかってもらえないかもしれません。しかし,何年かのちには,わかってくれる人が現れるだろう,と。そのつもりで書いています。」
「あ,それならそれでいいんだ。その覚悟があってのことなんだね。じゃあ,その道をどんどん進みなさい。」「ありがとうございます。これからも頑張りますので,よろしくお願いします。」
「それにしても,君も孤独だよね。自分だけの世界に入ってしまうと,ほんとうに孤独になってしまうからねぇ。だれも理解者がいなくなってしまうから・・・」「はい。まったく仰るとおりです。いまは,これまで経験したことのない孤独を感じています。でも,好きで入り込んだ道ですので,この孤独を楽しみたいと思っています。」「君の坊主的性格が,ここにきて生きてきたね。それは大きな武器になるよ。頑張りなさい。楽しみにしているよ。」「ありがとうございます。どこまで行けるかわかりませんが,とにかく,いま見えている地平線に向かって進んでいくつもりです。」「ああ,それは最高の贅沢というものだよ。孤独どころか,至福の日々じゃあないか。」「はい。外からの雑音さえ入ってこなければ,わたしの日々はまさに至福の時間の連続です。」「世の中,そんなにうまくは行かないよね。でも,そういう気分を味わえる人はそんなに多くはいないから,君はラッキーなところに到達したね。よかったよ。安心したよ。」とにっこり。「はい。とても幸せだと思っています。」
「ところで,西谷修さんは元気にしているかねぇ」と岸野先生。「ええ,とても元気です。いま,週に一回,一緒に太極拳の稽古をしています。来年の1月から半年間,パリにサバーティカルででかけます。いま,もっとも油の乗っているときだと思います。」
と,こんな会話から,太極拳の話をひとしきり。そして,話はフランス現代思想におよび,いつ,はてるともない話が延々とつづいていく。こんなに長い夢を,しかも,鮮明に記憶している夢をみたのは,ひょっとしたら生まれて初めてのことかもしれない。
それにしても,わたしにとっては一番大切な恩師・岸野雄三先生が,わたしの「夢枕に立たれた」ことの意味はなんだったのか・・・・。しかも,「お叱り」から「励まし」に転じていくことの意味は・・・?フロイトの「夢判断」の事例でも読み返しながら,みずからの「夢判断」でもしようか,と思う。それにしても,いまもなお,わたしのことを心配してくださっていることに思い至り,しみじみと恩師のありがたさを思う。
先生,どうもありがとうございます。これからも,どうぞ,大所高所からお導きくださいますよう,よろしくお願いいたします。
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