2009-11-14 一陣の風がとおりすぎていく。
_ 昨日のブログの公園のなかを，今日は横切ってとおりすぎようとしたとき，一陣の風がとおりすぎて行った。おやっ，と思って立ちどまってしまった。
『風がつよく吹いている』は三浦しをんのランニング小説で，いま，映画化されて話題となっている。この「風」はランナーが走っているときに感ずるものだ。映画はみていないが，小説は限りなく面白いのでお薦めである。最近，スポーツを主題にした小説がつぎからつぎへとでてくるが，この作品は秀逸である。この本を読んでおくと正月の箱根駅伝を鑑賞する眼が，ワンランク・アップすること間違いなしである。
今日，わたしが感じた「一陣の風」はそれとは違う。公園のなかを横切るようにして歩いているとき，突然，ザワザワザワっと音を立てて，ひとかたまりになった風がとおりすぎて行った。その一陣の風がとおりすぎたあとは，なにもなかったかのような静寂だけが残った。いまのはなんだったのだろう，と思わず立ちどまってしまった。これに似た経験は，むかしから何回もしていて，そのたびに「なにか」を感じていた。
アメリカ・インディアンの伝承によれば，人は死ぬとき一陣の風となって「旅立って」いくという。そういう小説も読んだ記憶がある。主人公は何月何日に死ぬと予告する。それを周囲のみんなが励まして応援し，予告どおりに死の旅にでられるようにサポートする。そして，予告どおりに死を迎える。最後にお礼のことばを述べて，旅立つ。そのとき，一陣の風となって舞い上がる。それをみんなが眼で見送るのである。本の題名がでてこない。残念。その後，「千の風になって」という歌が流行ったときに，ああ，これはアメリカ・インディアンの伝承と同じだ，と思った。
今日の風はこれに似ていた。しかし，立ちどまってよくよく考えてみたが，少しだけ違うようだなぁ，と思う。そのとき，ふっと思い出した景色がある。それは眼下にたばこ畑が広がる小高い岡の中腹にあるバスの停留所。場所は，愛知県の渥美半島のとある村。「福祉村」と名づけられた医療施設のある老人ホーム。ここに３年ほど母の見舞いに通った。最後の１年は，見舞ってもわたしをだれであるか，母は認識できない。この１年は見舞うのが辛かった。その母の意識が少しずつ薄れはじめたころのことであったと思う。つぎのようなことがあった。
この「福祉村」からでるバスは１時間に１本。なので，母を見舞うときは，帰りのバスの時刻を確認しておく。話が通じたころは３時間くらいいて，さよならをする。その時間が徐々に短くなっていく。母が疲れて眠ってしまうのだ。そして，時折，意識が朦朧としてくることがあった，そんなときだったと思う。「また来るでのん」（三河の方言）と言って母の手を握る。意識が朦朧としているはずの母の手に，珍しく力が入った。しかし，眼はつむったままである。すぐに，その力は抜けたので，そのまま帰路につく。そして，バスの停留所についたが，つぎのバスまでにはたっぷりと時間がある。そこで，近くの竹藪の陰に入って夏の強い日差しを避け，眼下のたばこ畑をぼんやりと眺めていた。そのときである。風もなにも吹いていなかったのに，突然，ザワザワザワッと音を立ててひとかたまりの風がとおりすぎて行った。そのあとはすぐにもとの静寂にもどった。いまの風はなんだったのだろう，と何気なく考えてみる。たしかに，「なにか」がとおりすぎて行った。なんだろう・・・と。突然，さっき別れてきたばかりの母の顔が浮かんできた。急いで病室に引き返す。母はスヤスヤと静に眠っていた。
それ以後である。母がわたしを認識できなくなったのは。そのつぎに見舞いに行ったときは，わたしの顔をみるなり，「どなたさまでございましょうか」「ご親切にありがとうございます」などという。口調ははっきりしている。初めは冗談を言っていると思って，適当に返事をしていたが，いつまで経ってもその種の会話がつづく。途中で気づいたときは鳥肌が立った。じっと母の顔をみる。母もわたしをじっとみている。不思議な「見つめ合い」であった。
一陣の風がとおりすぎていく。あとに残るのは静寂のみ。そして，母の顔。
そうか，母の記憶を喚起させる風だったのか。
事務所に到着してからも，ずっと母の記憶をつぎつぎに思い浮かべていた。不思議なことに，最後の死に顔から徐々にむかしにさかのぼっていって，次第に若いころの母の顔になっていく。次第に，わたしをみる母の眼がきびしくなってくる。それも当然ではある。子どものころは叱られてばかりいたのだから。
こうして書いていたら，どうも，いろいろの種類の「一陣の風」の記憶がわたしのなかに残されていることに気づく。いつか「風の記憶」という題で思い出話でも書いてみようかと思う。
あっ，いま，わたしの背後で「なにか」が動いた気配。ふり返る。なにもない。こんなことが最近多くなってきた。ついに，魑魅魍魎がつきまといはじめたか。困ったものだ。でも，嫌いではないから不思議だ。なにとはなしに仲良しになれそうにも思う。そういう自分が怖い。いや，それはすでに「わたし自身」ではない。「わたし」という名の「他者」に違いない。
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