2009-10-20 「笑顔の人」
_ いつも笑顔でニコニコしている人が，わたしは好きだ。だから，わたしの前にいるときだけでもいい，笑顔でいてほしいと思う。
もう，記憶も定かではないが，むかし読んだだれかの本のなかに，つぎのような話が書いてあった。わたしはとても気に入ったので，いまも覚えている。
一人の人間のなかには２〜３０人の人が住んでいる，という。そのなかにはいい人から悪い人までひととおりそろっている。そして，そのときそのときの相手次第で，そのなかのだれが表出してくるかは，自分でもわからない。でも，気持ちとしては，いつもいい人でいたい，と願い，努力もする。だから，できるだけ笑顔を絶やさないようにつとめる。心構えのしっかりした人であれば，かなりうまくいく。しかし，相手の人が，わたしの前にきたときにどんな顔をするかは，わたしにはわからない。それでも，わたしの前にいるときだけでもいいから笑顔でいてほしい。だから，わたしは笑顔で接するよう努力する。
このような笑顔をつくる人は，ほんとうの自分を隠していることになるのだろうか。ならば問おう。「ほんとうの自分」とはどういうものなのか，と。わたしには「ほんとうの自分」というものは皆目わからない。自分ではこういう人間だと思って長年の友達に話すと，いやいやお前はそんな人間ではないよ，と言われる。親子，兄弟でも，まるでみる眼は違う。そのたびに，どれほど愕然としたことか。つまり，自己評価と他者評価とはつねに食い違っているのだ。ということは，どちらの評価も正しいし，同時に，間違っている。つまり，「ほんとうの自分」というものはわからない，ということだ。だからこそ，こうありたいと願う人間を「演ずる」しか方法はないのだ。その結果が，「笑顔の人」であって，どこが悪いというのだろう。
バタイユは「世界はパロディ的である」と書いた（『太陽肛門』）。ということは，「人間はパロディ的である」と言っていいだろう。バタイユに言わせれば，ヒトが人間になった段階で，自然を否定して文化を立ち上げた。同時に，みずからの自然をも否定し，ヒトではない人間を「演ずる」ことになったのだ，と。その罪のつぐないの一つが供犠である。供犠とは，否定した自然をもういちど自然にもどすための儀礼であり，人間が考え出した新たな文化装置なのだ，と。しかし，この供犠の本来の意味もいつのまにやら忘れてしまい，家畜の多産と五穀豊穣の儀礼へとすり替えれらていく。近代社会は，この儀礼すら，たんなる迷信であるとして，またまた否定してしまった。かくして，人間は，自然に対して否定を繰り返し，本来の自分というものを見失ってしまった（あるいは，見て見ぬふりをするようになり，それがいつのまにやら常態となってしまった）。いうならば，人間はみずからに嘘をつきつづけて，とうとう，本来の自分を見失ってしまったのだ。これが，文化的産物としての人間の成れの果てだ。
日本人が，なにかというと笑顔をつくるのは，生き延びていく上でそれが一番効果的であると多くの人が気づいているからだ，とわたしは考える。だから，わたしは，日本人の笑顔は「文化の問題だ」と，ある研究会で発言した。しかし，その場の反応は芳しくなかった。気をつよく持って，きちんと説明しようとも思ったが，止めた。その代わりに笑顔で誤魔化した。これはかなりの確信犯である。しかし，その場の多くの人は，わたしのことを不思議なことを言う人だと思ったかもしれないが，ほんの数人の人たちは素直に納得してくれたのではないか，と思っている。あるいは，深く考えに沈んだ人もいたのではないか，とも思う。
わたしが考える「笑顔の人」には，これだけの背景がある，ということだけはここではっきりと記しておこう。
だから，わたしは，これからも「笑顔の人」でありたいと願うし，わたしの前に現れる人もまた「笑顔の人」であってほしいと願う。そして，この「笑顔」を入り口にして，さらに，親密な人間関係へと歩を進めることができれば，と考える。
カメさんが甲羅乾しをしながら，心地よさそうに眼を細めているような，そんな笑顔が，いつも浮かんでいるようでいられたら・・・・，と願う。
笑顔って、難しいですね。いつもにこにこしているように努めていますが、果たしてそれが本当の笑顔なのか？ただ、笑顔は演技にしろ本当の嬉しさからの笑顔にしろ、周りを幸せにしますね。ほっとします。<br>職業柄、どうしても強く言わなければ鳴らないときに、最後は笑顔で終わろうと努力しています。そうすることで、相手に安心感を持ってもらいたいと考えているからです。でも、心底からの本当の笑顔が自分はできているのか？そこのところは分かりませんね。相手が私のことをよく思っていなかったら、いつもニヤニヤしやがってと思うでしょうし・・・。このように思いながらも、また明日笑顔を振りまけるような充実した心理的状況であれたらいいなと思います。
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